The Dress; or, White? Really? Why?

24 Apr

Again, let’s all remind ourselves that I am not your normal bride, and I think other people should do exactly what they want (but try to not torture your bridesmaids).

So I don’t want a white dress.  Part of this whole wedding thing, is me wrapping my head around paying shit tons of money for a) a dress I can never wear again, unless I get married in a play, b) cheap food to accommodate hundreds…food I would not eat, c) an annoying DJ who does this as his/her second or third job so they suck, d) tons of flowers to give everyone hay fever.

Let’s start with the dress…we can tackle the other things later.  First of all, I do understand there is a way around all this bullshit…either elope or have tons of cash.  Elopement is not an option and we don’t have tons of cash.  Even if we DID have tons of cash, when people in Haiti still have no running water, when parts of Africa still castrate little girls, when people in America are still hungry, let me be a selfish bitch and spend $30,000-$50,000 on a wedding.  I mean, SHIT, I have nothing BETTER to do with my cash.

Again, this is MY wedding.  If you want to spend $100,000 on yours, awesome that you have no real moral compass.  I am not being snide.  My sense of right and wrong is crippling sometimes…so, damn, if I could just rent the American Museum of Natural History and get married under the Whale for a cool $50,000 (for the venue ONLY, people) and not have it bother me…I would.  Seriously.  I would.

Wait, I digress.  What was I going on about?  Oh YES, the dress.

White.  Satin.  Bustle.  Crinoline.  SHOOT ME NOW. 

Let’s address the color with a few anecdotes:
a week ago I was walking in New York with a friend.  We had headed to Pinkberry and I was attempting to eat my chocolatey, low fat goodness WHILE holding hers.  My hand slipped.  Pinkberry in my cleavage, down the front of my shirt…ON my shirt. 

At a bar two days later.  End of tax season.  Waitress spills margarita down my back at RUB.  Yep.  It happened. Margarita’s were GOOD though.

Three days later, in my man’s car in Jersey.  Running errands.  Have a milkshake from Bobby’s Burger Palace (Bobby Flay, HOLLA!).  Flip the lid over to lick the whipped cream off the inside.  Leave the straw in.  (can you see where this is going?).  Chocolate milkshake and whipped cream stream out the straw, off the lid, all over me, the seatbelt, my shirt, etc. 

On the way to LA.  Grab my purse at 30,000 feet.  Want to put some concealer on a big zit.  WARNING.  CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE AND YOU ARE WEARING A WHITE SWEATER….it would be nice if this had flashed across Virgin America’s tv screen.  I open the concealer.  It shoots, I mean SHOOTS out of the nozzle, all obver my white sweater, covers the tray table and my seat belt.  Awesome. 

All of these events happen inside of a week.  I CAN’T WEAR WHITE.  Not to mention I think it is LAME, but, holy shit, I would be covered in cocktail hour, dinner, wedding cake…

Can we talk about spending $5000 for a dress you’ll never wear again, unless you buy at David’s Bridal?  Can we?  Can we talk ab out how itchy satin is, how it doesn’t breathe?  Can we talk about the fact that a white dress stands for things I am not taking part in?  I live with my fiance.  We don’t have separate bedrooms.

I also feel that once you are wearing a white wedding dress and your fiance is in a tux, your wedding photographer could photoshop another couple in the same place and no one would know.  Do you really want to look like everyone else?  Oh, you do.  Sorry.  Go for it.

A crinoline?  Really?  And I sweat like it is my JOB (out of my right armpit only…don’t ask).  How gross is that gonna be?

I instead would like to take this opportunity to offer you a few alternatives.  Think outside the box, ladies.  No need to look like everyone else.

Again, you can certainly do white, do whatever, but don’t get stuck in a mindset because “everyone does it”.  We’d be stuck with slavery if we went that route.  Wear what YOU want and HOW you want it.  It is YOUR wedding.  As for me, you’ll find my dress in one of the above links, but I’ll never tell.  On Monday, I will post pics of going cloth shopping with my one attendant, and my dressmaker.

Finally, if you want to know why we get married in white, look here.


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