Grief

19 Jul

A friend/colleague/former professor died.  This is not wedding related.  This post is about friends, former friends and people who are selfish asses.

A lovely man, someone whose talent was beyond anything I have ever seen on stage and screen, a guy who taught stage combat, movement, suzuki…a man who taught me so much about myself and my talent and my desires…he died.  He was beaten to death in his home.

http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/police-investigating-dead-man-found-in-st-petersburg/1109823

I cried and cried.  And then, because I had found out the information from a police detective, and I wanted to confirm as we all sat on pins and needles…I emailed people.  Unfortunately, I emailed two people with whom I am no longer friends, but who, I thought, would want to know for sure.  Despite our differences, despite our arguments, at least I know they loved Jeff.  That would hold us together, that would allow us to see past what had gone on.  We are all different, but our love for Jeff always held us strong.  People who would just want to know the truth.  I was wrong. I should never have emailed her.  I thought, with Jeff’s death, that COMMUNITY was important and KNOWING was important.  I was wrong.  She’s a cunt.

I am sorry you are a miserable woman.  I loved Jeff too.  I am sorry you are so vindictive you cannot see what is in front of your face: we all loved Jeff and we were sharing info.  I was trying to reach out, to let you know what I knew.  KNOWING. KNOWING.  NOT KNOWING was killing us all.  Grief is not meant to be private…regardless of us in the past, we GRIEVE TOGETHER.

I am sorry you are you.

I removed her email from here (the one I had included before) because I finally want to be entirely purged of her and her viciousness.  I will forget what she said, I will forget her pettiness and I will grieve.  I will share my grief with my friends and we will sit around a table and tell stories and drink and celebrate his memory.

My professor Fanni said it best, “You should have known better than to email her.  She’s not forgiving” and it was, indeed, my mistake.

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