I Am a Hot Mess About Having Kids

6 Aug

I go back and forth about kids.  I love my nephew.  Want HIM as my kid.  Jonathan’s cousins kids?  Love them.  Want THEM as my kids.

I may have kids, but we may adopt.  Haven’t decided. Saw a woman waddle today…that looked unfun.  Maybe I DON’T wanna have kids.

Anyway, back and forth back and forth.

I know I am gonna be 35 soon, I know.  I know lots of things.  I don’t want to be bitched slapped with them.

I go to the doctor.  She tells me I need to lose weight.  No shit.  Then she tells me if I wanna have kids, I need to do it soon.  Want to avoid the double pregnancy whammy of ‘old age’ and weight.

Now, I like me.  I liked my body more before I moved in with Jonathan, became sedentary and gained weight (totally common in relationships…working on that). This didn’t mean I didn’t like who I was…but moving in with Jonathan I gained…20 lbs?  More?  Dunno.

Anyway, I went to the doctor, she told me this.  I was calm.  Ish.  Calm-ISH.  I never really thought I’d flip, but Jonathan came home and I FREAKED.  THE FUCK.  OUT.  FREAKED OUT.  I mean…look…someone just told me I had to be miserable (super low calorie count) for a few YEARS to have kids.  AND I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT KIDS, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!  She’s a doctor, I get that, and she is right, I GET THAT, but…you know what it is?  You are my age.  You get engaged and ALREADY you’re supposed to be having kids because your eggs are withering up and dying.  WELL EXCUSE ME.  I never SAID I wanted kids.  Just because I have ovaries does NOT mean I have to use them!

Why is everything about marriage and kids?  What the hell?  Just because I am getting married does not mean I automatically want to be a baby maker.  Yes, I am 33, and YES, I may not be able to MAKE my own soon.  SO WHAT?  Fat people have babies all the time.  Yes, they may not have my doctor (and they may even be much larger) and I know I KNOW, I shouldn’t compound the issue…

Jonathan is a trooper.  I cried.  A lot.  And I screamed.  SCREAMED.  Well, not really.  Mostly a lot of yelling.  A lot of “I WILL NOT GO ON SOME PAINFUL DIET BECAUSE SOCIETY THINKS I SHOULD HAVE SOME LITTLE PARASITE SUCKING OFF MY BODY!”

For those of you who think I have to put up with a lot RE: Jonathan, you would be wrong.  He mostly has to put up with me.  A lot.  He is a great, amazing, wonderful guy.

What makes me saddest is that Jonathan wants kids.  He says he doesn’t want them more than me, and I, mostly, believe him.  But he would make such a great dad.  Readers, there are times when I would leave him (Jonathan) just so he could find a woman whose ovaries are primed and ready for his deposit.  So he could have daughters and spoil them, and sons to whom he would be a much better father than his own.  But I won’t walk out the door, because my leaving won’t guarantee he will find another woman and won’t guarantee he’ll be a dad.

All I can give him is my neurosis and my “maybe”.  Tomorrow we are rearranging the bedroom so I can watch TV while I run on the treadmill (my issues with treadmills are BORE. DOM).  I am working on it.  Still, no promises.

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3 Responses to “I Am a Hot Mess About Having Kids”

  1. adina lav August 7, 2010 at 12:03 am #

    Go to the library and pick up three books: (1) Skinny Bitch, (2) Skinny Bastard, and (3) Fat Land.

    Watch three documentaries: (1) Food, Inc., (2) Super Size Me and (3) King Corn. You can get them all on NetFlix

    All these books and documentaries combined will all make you really, really pissed off about our food system. It will make you ill when you think about the crap they market to us. You will be enraged when you see how our government subsidizes food that is making us fat, giving us type two diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. Food that is killing us.

    You’ll be angry but you’ll start to eat better and feel better. This is what we did. After a year, I’ve lost 38 pounds (and still going) and my husband’s lost 40 pounds. We walk. I do yoga a few times a week. He lifts weights once a week. We’re busy people- kids, careers… we don’t have time for gyms and marathons.

    Don’t lose weight and get healthy just to have kids. Do it because you wanna feel good, because you wanna tell the food industry to fuck off, because you care about the world around you.

    Plenty of women are having babies well into their 40s. Kids never thank you for having them, so wait until you want them… or until you’re 95% sure you want them. I’m still not sure I want them and my oldest is almost seven. And yeah, most of the time I want them and the rest of the time I drink… red organic wine (that will mean more to you after you read Skinny Bitch).

  2. Darby Brooks August 7, 2010 at 3:03 am #

    losing weight does not have to make you miserable. and being overweight while pregnant increases the babies chances of being overweight and diabetic. but ultimately, and change to your body needs to be for YOUR health and happiness. i’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, but i can honestly say that it’s always been worth it to shed some pounds, i always feel better and more energetic. but make it something you enjoy. i played soccer tonight. and i love running. but that’s not for everyone. also, despite my best efforts, i have actually gained a pound in the past 3 or so months of steady exercise, but my husband thinks i’m getting more toned and gaining muscle. meh. it’s not easy for sure. but worth it.

  3. Errin August 9, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

    Okay, first of all? Fuck dieting. I’m sorry, is your mom reading this? So sorry, Mama Strange. But seriously, fuck dieting. Don’t do it. Not even if you call it a “lifestyle change”. If you want to feel better, great. Start building good habits. Drink more water. Walk a bit more. Find an activity you like and pursue it. Throw away your scale!!!! Seriously, weight is a shitty indicator of your overall health and BMI is total bullshit. It’s a measurement that’s kind of useful statistically, but basically worthless individually. You are lovely and amazing exactly as you are RIGHT NOW. And if you want to treat your body better there are several small, sustainable changes you can make that will not force you to be hungry or eat in an artificial way that will only put you on board the Yo-Yo Diet Train of Crazy. Do not buy in!! It doesn’t have to be like that. Sorry to get all vehement and ranty. It comes from love. ;=)

    And kids? Honey, if you want them, have them. If you don’t, don’t. It really shouldn’t be this hard to determine what you actually want. You know how it feels to want something. Does it feel like that when you think “Kids? Yes? No?” If not, wait until it does. I don’t know, maybe this is terrible advice. It’s just that I hate the thought of anyone having a child because they’re afraid they’ll regret it if they don’t. I’ve made several unfortunate hat purchases based on that very philosophy. It doesn’t end well.

    Anyway, you know I love you. Whatever you decide, I’m sure it will be the right choice for you.

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