Joanna VS. Jonathan

12 Aug

So, I think we’ll manage to have the wedding, but I think it is important for ya’ll to get where I am coming from with the whole wedding thing.  I have written a lot about it, but I have never really told you WHERE and WHY I come from where I do.  I realize I am beating a dead horse, but because this is not an easily mentally solvable problem, I will probably continue to beat the horse.

If someone said to me, your wedding is free (like healthcare! HA!), all you have to do is plan it…I would NOT have one. Don’t want one, don’t need one.  Jonathan would have one if it were free or if he had to pay $100,000.  So what we have is a FUNDAMENTAL difference in viewing a wedding.  Also, my family would not *mind* having one, but not one single family member has really hammered me for one.  My sister wants us to elope in Vegas and SHE WILL PAY!  In addition, my best friend who will be engaged soon ALSO does not want a wedding, probably will produce a film sintead.  Another good friend, who will be getting married soon is only having a wedding because her parents threatened not to talk to her.  ANOTHER friend will have a super, super small intimate wedding for only family…not even sure I am invited!  Jonathan’s friends and family really want him to have a wedding; therefore, he and I are coming from fundamentally different ideas and support systems about weddings.

I have a LOT of friends who had weddings…I also have quite a few who eloped.  I have been to many MANY weddings…some I sang at, some I was in.  Some bored me so much I wanted to drink heavily, some were a blast. So I really do not mean to offend when I say the following (also bear in mind ALL my siblings had weddings):

I think weddings are frivolous and a colossal waste of time and money.  Period.

I don’t care how little I can spend, or if someone else were to pick up the tab.  I can think of a MILLION better ways to spend that money.  Add to the fact that at least half, if not more, of our friends will be divorced in 5 – 10 years?  WTF are we celebrating?  Proof that we are the grossest, most consumer driven vile, most prone to divorce country on this planet?  (yes, this is now me on a BIG BIG rant).  Yeah I know, sharing your big day with family and friend blah blah fucking BLAH.  Spare me.  Even if I weren’t going to grad school, even if we weren’t a little cash strapped…let’s say Jonathan makes the same money now that he does in an alternate universe where I make money at my job.  I’ll make about 40% of his salary.  Let’s say he is a little better at saving money and I had some in the bank.  Let’s give us a little nest egg in this alta-verse, but keep us on the same time line.  $12,000-$15,000 still buys a LOT.  More for a down payment?  More for the eventual kids (part of the reason I balk at kids is financial)?  More to pay off my ALREADY existing student loans?

Let’s not even START with the Wedding Industrial Complex.  You want gifts from the bride and groom for being in the wedding?  Find another fucking bride and groom to assist.  You want flowers for the tables?  Pick some.  You want wedding favors?  Go to a carnival and pretend I gave you some.  You want to cut the cake?  I can point out a nice bakery where they might let you relive a lovely moment that won’t happen at our wedding.  Bridesmaids brunch?  Shoot me.  Next day luncheon?  Fuck off.  Rehearsal dinner?  Here’s a slice of pizza.  When did weddings become such…bullshit spectacles?  Can’t you people entertain yourself in NEW YORK CITY?  I have to feed you TWICE?  Girls brunch?  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Bachelorette party?  Well, yeah, I do plan on being hammered soon because the cost and the stress is gonna do me in.

Add to this the fact that I am doing the BULK of the wedding planning…and there you have it.  My true irritation.  Look, while it IS only money it is also MONEY!  It don’t fuckin’ grow on trees and, unless my parents die soon, we ain’t comin’ into some fabulous inheritance.  I knew, when I chose this profession, it would be financially tough.  So I got used to the essentials and bare necessities.  I can’t always afford to go home for Christmas.  I can’t always attend weddings and funerals and other important events.  This is because money, for me, is not readily available.  I am not about to change my chosen profession because we’re getting married.  That won’t do and we would eventually get divorced.

Relationships are about compromise.  So my compromise is we are having a wedding (actually, this is me rolling over and being a goddamn doormat).  I am, however, gonna bitch and moan all the way down, and he knows that.  So he is prepared and has earplugs.

Dana, you’re my hero.  Someday we’ll have lunch and I will vicariously live through your elopement.


5 Responses to “Joanna VS. Jonathan”

  1. Anne Lossing August 12, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    I LOVE reading your posts!!!

  2. Stacey August 12, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    I was going to write out a whole analogy about Christmas and weddings and how people look at each, but you’ll understand it if I just cut to the chase – both can either be about spending every last penny and going over the top, or they can be about sharing that time/event with the people you care about.

    Just because someone has a wedding, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are consumption-mongering one-uppers, or that you would be for having one. It also doesn’t make you irresponsible to spend some amount of money on a wedding. I guess when I consider spending money on party at home or out at a meal with friends on any old day, it’s not that far of stretch to having a bigger party for a wedding celebration.

    I understand what you’re saying about celebration and divorce, but how many people actually go to the altar thinking that their marriage will end? None that I know. While I have occasionally known of people getting married that *I* didn’t think would last (and people do make mistakes, even big important ones) that is not the case by and large. So I think people getting married have every reason to celebrate. Perhaps the more pessimistic we become as a society, the higher the divorce rate rises.

    • strangebride August 12, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

      I do totally get it. But, as you know from having one, having a party costs, MAYBE a few hundred…a wedding?
      We have looked at a lot of ways to pare it down. If we move to a new venue, we lose enough of our deposit that, financially, it is not worth it.

      Ultimately, wedding are not, and have never been, my thing. I honestly cannot name a single person I know who even really remembers their wedding day (although I haven’t asked you). My brother may remember his second, because there were 20 people there.

      Part of the huge issue is…I am NOT a party person. Go to a party someone else is having? OK, although probably not for long. I have always been MUCH more of a one-on-one type of person. I like to have lunches and dinners with a few people, so, for that hour or two, I am entirely focused on one person.

      So weddings and I are diametric opposites. Even super small weddings.

  3. Dana Brooks August 12, 2010 at 7:01 pm #

    i’ll do you one better and buy you some of those drinks.

    • strangebride August 12, 2010 at 7:38 pm #

      YAY! I will need it. I *may* have too much to do with wedding and grad school. 🙂

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