OK, this isn’t news and now most of you want to know: Why do you read Redbook?
I know, I know, what would posses me? I enter TONS of sweepstakes. I spend the last 5 minutes of my day doing it (thanks autofill!). Why? Well, I am looking at $74,000 in grad school loans and a $15,000 wedding. It helps my sanity, ok? Some of us eat, some of us drink…I enter sweepstakes. Don’t judge me.
So I guess I forgot to toggle “Please Dear God don’t send me your email crap” for one entry and I now get Redbook emails. I went to delete it, but wondered what it had in it. Utter. Fucking. Garbage.
To be fair, this article, “7 Steps to Happily Ever After: How to Make Your Relationship Last“, is actually pretty good, but it can not redress the wrongs of the “Understanding Guys” piece of hell hole crap. I am so offended for my fiance, my male friends, my dad and brother. Can we address these?
According to the amazingly well researched twat at Redbook, these are the “10 Ugly Truths“:
#1: Men can’t resist the tease. That’s rather innocuous, and not really an “ugly truth” and I think it is mostly wrong. Most of the guys I have been with were like: nice bra, can it just come off now?
#2: Men can’t help but stare at other women. This line isn’t what is offensive, its THIS line: We’re the same way when we walk by a window filled with gorgeous shoes. KISS MY ASS. Know what I stare at? MEN. GORGEOUS MEN. And fruits stands, I like fruit. I know a lot of chicks who don’t care about shoes, or care, but aren’t Carrie from Sex and the City. She even throws in an anthro word, but I have news for you, chickadee, your writing and research skills are CRAP.
#3: Men are big kids (and proud of it). Come ON! Who among men and women just like to sometimes have a water fight? Play some version of board games or laugh at Dodgeball? SPORTS? You claim SPORTS to be childlike and for men only? I know more women who are DIEHARD sports fan than men. They will cut a bitch if you get in their way for season tickets. And, honey, if you use the word “girlfriend” one more time, I am gonna revoke your fake journalist license.
#4. Men are perverts. She actually does not vilify this one, which is nice. I still think that I know plenty of women who can give guys a run for their money…but at least she doesn’t make being perverted a crime.
#5. Men would love to cheat. She says they want to, but they don’t. While, yes, men are MORE LIKELY to cheat, they don’t ALL want to cheat. And women are no angels either. I know a few cheaters…and if she wants to make this biological, she should read Sex At Dawn at least to show she CAN read. I know plenty of men who do NOT want to cheat, have no intention of cheating and never felt a twinge. They exist, so don’t go giving all men a bad name.
#6. Men want us to worship them. That’s right. Jonathan wants me to worship him, but I’d like to sit near the fireplace like Cinderella. No, don’t adore ME, I am a woman and a caretaker and a martyr. I don’t need your adoration. Just enough money to keep my man’s palace clean and tidy and dinner on the table. She makes my head hurt.
#7. Men love oral sex. Oh my GOD! She conducted a SURVEY! Of 100 MEN! WOW! Ok, fine, you can have this one. (although quite a few women like it too…)
#8. Men don’t take hints. This one is actually true. Women who HINT to men are just setting themselves up for disappointment, but another way to look at it is: hints are passive aggressive. Just ASK or SAY IT. Your communication skills will thank you.
#9. Men love their penises. Well, they’re useful aren’t they? I have no real complaints about this one except this sentence which is like it came from a REALLY bad romance novel: While women have internal, squishy accommodations, men are equipped with external, throbbing reminders of the biological imperative to “spread the seed.” Yeah, she actually said that.
And for NUMBER 10!
#10. Men don’t get Valentine’s Day. Imagine this conversation if you will:
Redbook Features editor: I need 10 truths
Crappy Writer: I have 9
CW: I have NINE, why does it have to be a round number?
RFE: Because I said so. TEN ugly truths, not nine.
CW: Can I make the last one up?
RFE: You made them ALL up, it’s total shit, just write me one more!
Am I wrong on these? Do you have more/better insight?