I Apologize, I Don’t Hate You

10 Nov

I am still uber stressed and pretty pissed, but I don’t hate you.

We are having drama.  Wedding drama (did you get that?).  I mean, personnel drama.  There is pretty much no one in our wedding parties or really involved in the wedding, but we still manage to have drama.  And said drama could very possibly carry into our wedding day.  What is the point of having a small wedding with few people if this far in advance it could all go to hell in a hand basket, huh?  So that is a lot of what set me off.  Part of the problem is that the drama is something Jonathan has to deal with.  Me, I’d get a baseball bat to deal with it and it’d be done, but it’s not my problem (except that it is).

And the other part is that I feel trapped.  Roped into planning an event I do not want to be at, I now feel like I have no options.  We have sent out our “Save the Dates” and people are excited…but I am dreading it.  I am in so much despair I am seriously thinking of seeing a therapist.  I dread making phone calls to hotels and finding plates.  The thought of wedding invitations gives me apoplexy.  But people are planning plane tickets and hotel reservations are being made.  Can I just pull the plug?

I even keep trying to back out of being my best friends bridesmaid so I can avoid her wedding.  I AM TRYING TO AVOID MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING.  WTF?  (luckily, she knows my stress and trusts I can suck it up and do it…she may have more faith in me than I deserve).

I thought a “small” wedding would be a good compromise between not having a wedding and having one.  It’s not really.  I am being forced to plan an event I would rather not attend.  In some ways, I feel that people who are really begging us to have this wedding are the selfish ones.  My response to them is, “Then YOU fucking pay for it and YOU fucking plan it”

Jonathan and I have an amazing relationship.  We are open and communicative.  I love him so much I can’t bear to be without him.  But I resent him now.  I can’t stand his friends who are so insistent that we do this and I am pissed he caves so easily.  I get angry that he doesn’t do his part, even though he works.  We’re not even MARRIED yet and planning  this wedding is sending us to therapy, apart from me needing my own.  THIS WEDDING IS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.  So, to those of you who want to see it done?  To those who are so desperate to watch us get married?  Get ready to witness divorce papers as well.

This could be the shortest marriage in history.


2 Responses to “I Apologize, I Don’t Hate You”

  1. Darby Brooks November 10, 2010 at 2:14 am #

    If it makes you feel any better, I hated being engaged. It made me crazy. And that was without the fullfledged wedding planning. But things got so much better shortly before we married (probably about the time we decided to elope) and then even better when we were married. Your life as an engaged couple is not the same as your life as a married couple. Life as a married couple (for me at least) is so much better than I imagined.

    And to all the people telling you what you should do for your wedding, tell them to go have their own. This day is yours and Jonathan’s.

  2. Dani November 10, 2010 at 2:27 am #

    Joanna, I completely understand, and will support you in whatever you do… But can you delegate anything to outsiders? You know some of us crackheads actually like the planning part? I’d be more than willing to help with whatever I can from Tampa, and it might actually give me a mini-escape from my own life (the parts that are likewise pissing me off). 🙂
    Deep breaths…

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