Last Night I Finally Yelled

16 Nov

This should not be tough.  I have planned more detailed events than this.  I have had more problems than this.  But last night, when my sister (RIGHTFULLY SO) reminded me I needed to find a few pack n’ plays and high chairs for her kids, I.  Lost.  It.  I LOST IT.  Not at her, at dinner with Jonathan.

And I think he finally got my stress.  And there is a definite possibility we may come back married from Thanksgiving.  I do have to speak to my parents, because this whole time Jonathan has worried about his friends who are dying to see him get married and we have not even talked about my family.  My family cares less about a wedding and wants me to be happy.  The people who wish to see Jonathan married do not really know me at all, so, in all fairness, why should they care that I am drowning?  Their goal is to see a good friend get married.  My goal is to not pack up and leave my fiance…which gets easier to imagine every day.

Don’t take this to mean that we are somehow not “meant to be”.  Jonathan is the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I am drowning.  DROWNING.  I dread every phone call or email I have to send, I hate every damn second of looking at spreadsheets.  The good ol’ knots in my shoulders that are an indication of extreme stress are again pushing me to take 4-6 Advil before bed so I can just fall asleep without the gnawing pain.

But last night Jonathan finally got it, and when he said we could elope, he finally meant it.  This doesn’t mean it will happen…I know lots of people with plane tickets already, but this means that I can feel freer to really pull the plug.

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