Now I’m Just A Dog

20 Dec

I took a break.  A much needed break.

PS.  I am writing this from a plane…free wi-fi.  W00T!

So, Jonathan and I made a pact in mid-November…no dealing with anything wedding related at all until Dec 1.  I didn’t even THINK about wedding planning until Dec 15.  It turns out that my psychosis is now completely Pavlovian.

There are so many issues here, so many…read all previous posts.  The biggest issue is that, it now seems, whenever anything goes slightly wrong I have a breakdown.  Full.  On.  Breakdown.

The other day, Paypal didn’t work for a vendor.  No big deal.  I just call and do credit card over the phone, right?  That is what a sane person would do.  Nope.  I cried.  A lot.

Last night, I hyperventilated so bad I nearly passed out.  Not a joke.  Jonathan was on the other end of the phone with some friends downtown at a party I was supposed to be at.  I was working on some wedding costs, called him and told him I was too depressed to go anywhere, the shame of being such a mess emotionally sent me into a spiral and I hyperventilated.  Badly.

It is at the point where my good friends, and Jonathan, are super worried about my mental health.  I mean, so am I.  I am going to start seeing a therapist, but I think I need anti-depressants and/or valium.

The question is: should planning a wedding really put me on hard medication?  At what point do I let Jonathan pull the plug?  Part of me continues to fight to do the wedding just because I feel like my mental state is absurd, but I cannot get perspective.  I cry.  All the time.  I am not a depressed person at all, and yet, all I do is cry.  When there is a tiny problem, I, who am amazing under pressure and in a crisis, sob, freak out, and panic.

This has completely changed me.

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One Response to “Now I’m Just A Dog”

  1. eyeserene December 20, 2010 at 4:14 pm #

    hi sunshine! let me work some calming remedies on you. trust jonathan and trust that we’re all good at what we say we’re good at and can help. i made a pact with myself that i wouldn’t think about your wedding until january 1st! lol. but here i am reading your blog stressing a bit. let’s talk soon so we can calm each other. ❤

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